Connor: Josh, we’re here at Five Guys Burgers and Fries, here with our supporting cast, Chase, June, Emily and James. You may know June from the Cubby’s review.
Josh: Five Guys Burgers and Fries.
C: I have not been shy about saying this is my favorite national burger chain—international, actually. I’m a huge fan of this place. How was it today for you, Josh?
J: It was solid, same as it always is. As consistent as it comes.
C: I don’t think there’s a more consistent chain, location to location.
J: No. Part of it is because my order is always the same, too.
C: Yeah. Go ahead and tell the people reading this what it is, so they can know what a freak you are.
J: It’s a little bacon burger, no cheese, with mayo.
C: That’s not that weird.
J: I bet you feel really stupid now.
C: Yeah, I—
James: I bet you feel like a real idiot.
Emily: Yeah, what a stupid idiot.
C: OK, I just—
June: Booo! Loser!
Everyone except Connor: Haha! Look at the dummy. Did you leave your brain at day care this morning? You drooling imbecile. You absolute clown. What a stupid, stupid boy.
C: Wha…
Josh: You had a cheeseburger, right?
C: …
Josh: [Staring intensely]
C: …Yes. I had a regular cheeseburger, two patties, lettuce, green peppers, jalapeno peppers, ketchup and mustard, so a little bit of a kick.
Josh: Is this a common order for you?
C: This is what I usually get, yeah. Not too crazy, not too exotic. I love the green peppers, they give it a crispness that the lettuce falls short of. All their ingredients are fresh. Lettuce was a little weak today, but the peppers were great. The jalapenos were strong, very spicy, very flavorful. Do you want to talk about the—
Josh: No, I don’t think I will.
C: …OK. The patties—
Josh: No, I’m just kidding. The buns at Five Guys, I think, are the most underrated part of the entire burger.
Emily: I agree. They’re made with eggs, and they’re pretty distinct. More cake-like than a regular bun.
Josh: They don’t fall apart, and I know this is a big thing for most people, because a lot of people struggle to eat a burger with one hand, I don’t know why—
C: Because they’re children?
Josh: Yes. Christian and I have this argument all the time. He complains that the Habit isn’t good because you can’t eat the burger with one hand and I’m like, “That’s a you problem.”
Emily: Who said that?
Josh: Christian.
Connor: You can eat it with one hand.
James: That’s on him.
[The subsequent comment about Christian has been redacted from this piece.]
C: The bun’s great, my ingredients were great. I loved my patties today, they’re cooked on a hot grill, they have a slightly crisp exterior, and a soft, beefy, hearty interior and flavor. Great texture, thick.
Josh: One of my favorite things is how they do the bacon. They don’t take a strip of bacon and cut it in half and place it in an X, leading to not every bite having bacon. Every bite has bacon.
C: The peanuts are back. [Due to COVID-19 restrictions, the free peanuts present in most Five Guys locations had been absent for several months. They have now returned, to our delight.] I like them.
Josh: We tried having peanuts with the shell on today, and that was a nice touch. I enjoyed that.
[Silence]
Connor: …You just ate the shell?
James: Yeah, I did it too.
Josh: I’ll do it again.
[More silence]
Connor: Alright--
Josh: It makes it taste more like peanut butter.
James: Slightly saltier, as well.
C: OK. So, back to the review. Um, [Connor is visibly rattled at this point] I don’t think you’d expect a chain like this to have that quality of patty, but they do. The meat is great. The fries are great, they’re fresh fries from [checking the whiteboard] Egan, Idaho today.
Josh: Fried in peanut oil.
C: It’s a really good blend—the flavor of the potato comes through, and also that of the fried oil.
J: I know you’re a huge fan of the Cajun spice.
C: I love the Cajun fries.
J: I do too. I don’t love them as much as you do.
C: But the regular fries here are also delicious. They’re wonderful fries.
J: It’s hard to get them after having Cajun, though.
C: Yeah, because the Cajun flavor is very strong, it has a little bit of a kick. We know what seasoning they use.
J: We’ve used it as well.
C: But we’re not going to say what it is.
J: Just know that we know.
C: The fries were a little more crisp than they usually are, they’re usually a little soft, and thick cut. Strong fried flavor, but natural tasting, very much a potato product. Tell us about your shake, Josh.
J: Today wasn’t the best shake I’ve had here. The whipped cream was not given generously, and they have some of the best whipped cream in the game.
C: Really? I got an Oreo shake, it was fine. It was kind of frothy, a little bit. Airy and fluffy.
J: This is one of the places I have to ask for a spoon, they don’t just give it.
C: Which is crazy, because these shakes are too thick to drink through a straw.
J: They don’t give you a straw, either.
C: They gave me a straw.
J: Oh. They just gave me a shake with nothing and said, “Good luck.”
Good luck, bitch.
J: The shake here is probably slightly subpar, and I don’t mean that as a dis, because most food restaurants, I would say, have subpar shakes, but you can’t compare—
C: Most food restaurants?
[Josh does not speak. He only laughs. The unrestrained, twisted laugh of the insane.]
C: Because you know where they have great shakes? Book restaurants.
Josh: You can’t compare—
James: Maybe he’s thinking of, like, a gas station.
Emily: What were you referring to?
Josh: I was thinking somewhere like Dairy Queen, or Iceberg—
Connor: Somewhere that doesn’t have food.
Josh: Someone that is known for their dessert items.
Emily: Like a Starbuck’s at Barnes & Noble.
James: This is a—we are in a food restaurant, right now.
Connor: And tomorrow we’re going to a clothes restaurant.
Josh: You can never be too clear in today’s day and age.
Connor: Yeah, my shake felt kind of in the middle of the pack. But it was nice and thick, creamy and sweet. Even an average shake is good, because, well…it’s a treat.
June: Did you eat it with a fork?
Connor: I ate it with a fork, which wasn’t a problem, because it was thick.
[June rolls her eyes dramatically]
Connor: Don’t—don’t make that—June’s disgusted. Like this is some gross thing—“You ate a shake…with a fork??”
June: It’s not gross, it’s just not the same experience!
Emily: I agree!
Josh: I got a vanilla shake. I want to make that clear, I did not get anything but vanilla.
Connor: I regret not getting the salted caramel.
Josh: They have a good option of toppings and mix-ins, but I’m just a bland guy, just
plain. I like my food restaurants like I like--
Connor: I’m not letting you say “I’m a bland guy” in one of our reviews. You are a chef. The website says you are a chef.
Josh: Is it just me, or is there something nice about having sesame seeds on the bun? I don’t know if it adds any flavor, but it’s fun.
C: There’s a huge list of toppings, and you can pick any that you want, same with the shakes. You can make so many different burgers, the sky’s the limit, really. And the foundation of the burger, which is the patty, and the cheese, and the buns, they’re all great.
J: I have to give three and a half burgers for Five Guys.
C: That’s about as good as you can ask for at a place like this. Over the last couple years, Five Guys’ prices have gone up and the quality of the food has declined, ever so slightly.
J: This is a business that has expanded rapidly. They have over 1,500 locations now. It’s tough to be that big and keep quality so high, but they’ve done it, although that is probably where the higher prices come from. It’s easy to think of the chain as basic, but really it’s a blend. It combines fresh, premium ingredients with fast food delivery.
C: It’s still the best in its class, which is a testament to how great they are at the basics, and how great they used to be, that even when the chain is not at its best, it’s still top dog. I never don’t love it here, even though the finest local spots will surpass it in quality and other chains with lower prices might surpass it in value. It’s just the best place to go when you want a quick burger and don’t want to wait long or don’t know the local spots. It’s worth the extra few bucks.
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